A Link to a Song and the Story Behind It

Along with the excitement, fear, pressures and responsibilities of becoming president of the student body I was faced this weekend with the realization that I could not accomplish in time all the work that I had built up. I thought about choosing a class to fail, deciding to ditch all of its work and focus on the rest. But with next year marking the first cut loose from the mamma ship, I couldn’t stomach the feelings of anger towards myself as I sat in the class again, due to my semester long nap. So I decided to take it all on ’You knew you’d have to, made the choice.’

And so here I sit, just about beyond the last minute.

Trying to wring the sweat that is now consistently seeping from my body into the success of a semester. I hit four days without sleep before my body shut down. After hallucinating a mouse in my shower, barely avoiding several car crashes due to a lack of trust in my peripheral vision, and being forced to take a twenty minute break to sit in the silent dark listening to a symphony my mind created- new instruments and rhythms coming in like the build of an airliner set out from Singapore gradually making its way right above, and then beyond, taking its payload to somewhere I cannot try to imagine. At one point, when the vocals first came in, backed in full psychedelia, (“You didn‘t knowwwww we could- 00000make- 000000this kind of music”) I let myself into it, refusing to acknowledge its existence so to appreciate its beauty. When I closed my eyes it was as if a strobe light hung in front of them, so I kept them open, in the darkness seeing what I heard.

Then I broke. Somewhere in the middle of last night, sitting where I sit now and have throughout, I lost it all. I was twitching madly, arms legs and chest, my hands were shades of intensity. I couldn’t ignore my short breath or the pulse in my ankles any longer. I began to panic. Muscles taught, veins proud, I couldn’t get in one word of thought against it, so I sat.

I woke up 14 hours later. Starving. With a mindset I barely recognized I realized I had eaten only 3 times throughout and stuffed myself.

And so here I sit, just about beyond the last minute. I am doing my best to ignore the guilt so I can get through this thing, scrounge what I can of it all. Its something, looking in the eyes of what you have avoided for so long, realizing there is nothing that is going to fix it all. I feel like I have failed a good number of people, some family, many friends, many new.

Listening to the Beirut station on Pandora.com (an online radio that randomly picks songs they thing related to a band you name) at top decibels, just a few bits from falling apart, this song came on. I have never heard the song before or of its existence. I have never heard of the singer, who is from the UK.

I hesitate to resemble the people making requests on the local radio, the ’I was going through a bad time ect.’ but it is safe to say this song affected me just now. In ways that will take a bit longer, distort, and probably be lost among the other scraps in the forever growing pile that guides my actions.

To listen go here, its the the second song from the top, the one titled Mr. Blue.


Back to work.